well I can't set my house on fire every night
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
