true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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