I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
