tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
