Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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