Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
