So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
