Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
