youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she peed on how many people?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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