my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
