I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
