Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
