Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
