We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
