you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
