Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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