you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
