TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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