I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize