I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
