Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
