you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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