i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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