Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
