i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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