Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
