someone get that fucking seahorse.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
