its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
