I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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