I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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