i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
