I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
