i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it's like iHOP with fire
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
