it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
