I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
