remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
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