he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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