I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
