I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
