I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
