so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
