You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
did i just pee glitter
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
