Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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