I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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