you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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