Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
