then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
