It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
