Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
