i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My bed smells like the plague
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
