Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
