Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
