So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
