Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
