Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
