Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
