How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
third nipple confirmed
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
