found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
