I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
